I Have Moved On To A New Love, But I Think I Am Not Over My Old Boyfriend

I had a breakup with my boyfriend. He has moved on but I haven't. I loved him very much but I fear that I will never fall in love again. There is another guy in my life now. He loves me but I don't know what i feel. How do I cope up with my feelings?

Dear shelly,

Interesting thing about relationships. It is easy for those of us who are not a part of the broken relationship to say, "Oh, you broke up, did you?" We see the relationship that existed yesterday doesn't exist today. It is binary. It is a radio button. It is on, then it is off, like a light switch.

In reality, life is not like that at all. We humans have feelings and those feelings don't turn off like that light switch. Sometimes they linger for a little while, sometimes they linger for a lifetime. Those of us who have lived many years past the first relationships do not necessarily stop loving that person, but it becomes a perspective thing. Those first relationships and loved ones may continue to hold a special spot in our hearts and our memories as we remember, with fondness, the time that we had with them. That is not wrong, it is a part of the wonderful capacity that we have to love. However, we do need to be concerned if it interferes with our ability to grow or impedes us moving forward in life.

When we meet someone new, there may be a tendency to compare that person to the former loved one and evaluate them side-by-side. However, we have to remember that each person is unique and have their own set of good characteristics and potential flaws. No two people are exactly alike. You need to decide what it is that you are looking for in a love relationship. Do you want a man who spends time with you, says nice things to you, snuggles you, buys you gifts, is loyal, faithful, etc. We could make a list and want the whole list, but make a list of what you need and want in the relationship. Do not make your initial analysis based on the wonderful feeling that you get being in love, but approach it in a more academic way, looking at your list. If the new guy in your life meets up with this list, give him a chance, and give yourself a chance to feel those feelings. If he does not meet up with that list and does not have potential to meet up with that list, then maybe you need to keep looking.

I want to caution you. Do not make a list that no man could attain. Be reasonable and pick the ones that really matter. For example, I would rather be with a man who is faithful to me and has no money, than a man who has all the riches in the world and sleeps with other married women. Really dig deep on what characteristics help you to feel loved.

Finally, give yourself some time. Do not feel that you need to be over the ex-boyfriend and into the new boyfriend today. Remember, neither one of them, nor you, are light switches.

Deborah E
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Deborah is a #1 Jazz Singer, as well as a lifelong musician, songwriter, and sound engineer. She is also a writer who pursues a love of positive psychology. She is a thesis short of having her doctorate in psychology.
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