My Boyfriend Has Annoying Habits

What if my boyfriend has annoying habits? Should I tell him or not?

Dear kala,

Annoying is annoying. No matter how much we tell ourselves that something isn't annoying and we can handle it, if we have defined it as annoying, it remains just that, Annoying!

The fact that you have taken the time to write this, let alone think it, says one of at least two things:

  1. Your boyfriend, as a whole is really annoying and you don't really want a relationship with him, so everything he does seems annoying to you
  2. or,
  3. As you say, he does some things, some actions, that are annoying, but you love him, the person.
I am going to operate from the second, as the first issue is a deeper issue than just the annoying things that he does.

You will want to tell him that he does things that are annoying. He deserves to know that these habits and behaviors bother you. If he chooses to change them, that it is a win-win situation for all. On the other had, if you do not tell him that it bothers you, and you were to find out that he would have changed the behavior, it is a lose-lose situation.

Life is not always as cut and dry as win-win (or lose-lose) for that matter. If it were, it may be easier, but it would also lack the zest and creativity of life. So, let's talk about the other scenario, talking to your boyfriend and not having an instant positive reaction. When you approach him, be sure to validate him as a person and remind him that you love him dearly. Do not criticize the action as a "bad" action, but rather something that really upsets you. Do not belabor that you are the bad person, as this is not a matter of good people or bad people, simply actions that upset you. Work through your list, lovingly, ensuring the the key issue is to help him to know that you love him and you are coming to him because you need his help, for your sake and the sake of the relationship.

It is very possible that he will not want to change all, if any of the behaviors. It is also possible that despite his desire, he may not be able to change the behaviors. And, it is possible that he will become angry that you have brought it up at all. In each of these cases, you need to evaluate what you can live with and what you can live without. If you have determined that this is the love of your life, no matter what, then you will need to learn how to accept the good, and the bad (assuming the bad is not illegal, abusive, etc.). But, as I said earlier, he does deserve to hear the truth, from you, lovingly, instead of learning about it when it is too late for him, or it has caused relationship pain in other ways.

Deborah E
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Deborah is a #1 Jazz Singer, as well as a lifelong musician, songwriter, and sound engineer. She is also a writer who pursues a love of positive psychology. She is a thesis short of having her doctorate in psychology.
4 comments… add one
  • Jazz Link Reply

    My crush has a really cute habit – its not annoying at all!
    He twitches his nose, especially when he is nervous. Argh, its so cute! It makes my heart melt every time he does it!
    He is very self conscious about it though :/

    • That sounds so cute, Jazz. You should YouTube it and post it so we can all see it 🙂 Then, again, that is a precious moment (moments) for you to share, and there is the self-conscious aspect 🙂

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