I Can’t Lose The Married Man I Love

I met someone married. i know this relationship is wrong, but I love him so much and I can't lose him. What should i do?

Dear callista,

I can understand the feeling of true love and the desire to hold onto the one you love, forever, and wanting to be with that person always.

Before I answer your question, let's play a little exercise, ok?

From the tone of your question, I believe that you are definitely experiencing very strong emotions for this man and desire to be with him. Let's pretend, for a moment, that you are the woman that he married, and you have these feelings of love for your husband. How would you feel knowing that you may lose this man that you love and that he may love another woman?

I ask you this to allow you a moment to see the situation from different vantage points and perspectives. I do not negate your love for this man for any reason! You are feeling real feelings and very understandable feelings, but I'm wondering if his wife is also feeling similar feelings? We, as humans are not able to get into someone else's head enough to feel that we are qualified to evaluate how much one may love another person, on a metric measurement system, so let's look at it as an on/off switch. If it is true that his wife feels love towards him in the same way that you do, is it fair to say that should would be hurt and feel a sense of loss in this situation?

Now, you may be thinking that he does not love her like he loves you. Possibly that is true, but understand that unless he is free to love you in the way that you more than likely desire to be loved, you are not free to love him in the way that you desire to love him and this nagging feeling about him being married will continue to bother you, deep down inside. If that were not the case, you would not have mentioned that you "know it is wrong."

Now, let's say that he separates from her, or divorces her and chooses you, and you are blissfully happy for a moment. At what point is he going to be looking at the next prospect? While there may be exceptions to the rule, generally speaking, once we humans "get away with" a certain behavior, we tend to try it again, and while he may not cheat on you, the likelihood that he would cheat on you, if he leaves his current wife, is higher than it is for a man or woman who has never cheated on their spouse or significant other.

Now, you say you cannot let him go. Are you prepared to say the same about the pain that is likely to accompany this relationship? Is that something that you choose to hold on to and not let go?

We make choices in life and, with many of them, we wish we could get a freebie "do over." But, many times, the consequences of our decisions do not give us those freebies in life and we live with the cost of the choice, instead.

Deborah E
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Deborah is a #1 Jazz Singer, as well as a lifelong musician, songwriter, and sound engineer. She is also a writer who pursues a love of positive psychology. She is a thesis short of having her doctorate in psychology.
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