Her Parents Told Her To Break It Off


Akku writes, I have been in love for almost a year. When my girlfriend told her mother about our relationship, her mother got angry and asked my girlfriend to stop the relationship at once. My girlfriend is her only daughter. My girlfriend loves her parents dearly, too. After that incident, the way my girlfriend messages me and the way she talks to me is like she is avoiding me. It really hurts. This has been going on for three, almost four months, and yesterday she messaged me that she would like to end this relationship. I tried to comfort her, but nothing worked. What should I do? I really do need her and I can't live without her. Please help me.





Dear Akku,

I can certainly understand how painful this is, how your heart yearns for your girlfriend and to comfort her and how it seems that it his her mother that is standing in your way, and not only that, but that your girlfriend may need a sort of rescuing and you feel that you want to do that.

This first question that should be asked, getting it out of the way, is age of your girlfriend. While this will differ from country to country and culture to culture, there may be some things to take into consideration. For example, if your girlfriend is not an adult, then her mother may be that much more concerned, and feel that she has that much more "say" in what her daughter does, depending on government laws and the culture.

Assuming that neither government, nor culture, nor any other belief system is standing in the way, or affecting the outcome, now you will need to look at the people involved. It is possible that your girlfriend loves you dearly, but feels obligated to follow the wishes of her mother. This can be motivated by different things, be it a sense of honor, belief system, obligation, or even fear. In all cases, those feelings of your girlfriend need to be respected. Even if it is fear-based and you feel that you want to "rescue" your girlfriend because that is what you believe is best for her, she needs to want to be rescued and desire to be rescued by you, so it still comes down to respecting her feelings and giving her the space to discover, for herself, what those feelings are and how she wants to respond to them, if she desires to respond to them. It is a different story if she cries out for your help, but it appears that she is not, at this moment, doing that.

It is hard to tell what her basis is for sending you a message to end the relationship, but that also needs to be respected. If she doesn't have the space to make that decision, then she may resent feeling pressured by you.

All that said, it is sometimes confusing, in fact, very confusing(!), to be on the receiving end of a relationship break-up. If you feel that she will accept a phone call from you, you may want to ask if you can simply understand where she is coming from, in the break-up of the relationship, so that the knowledge may help you to become a better person and understand relationships better. If you choose to do this, you need to be able to continue to respect her space and her decision and only proceed with this step if you are able to meet with her without pressure on her, and only for the purpose of understanding why the relationship was ended, for your future growth. This step is helpful when a break-up occurs by message, email, text, SMS, Facebook, and you haven't had the opportunity to have a real moment of communication.

I hope for you, that your heart begins to feel the warmth of the sunshine and to heal, and to know that it can reach a wholeness, even though the pain is deep and blinding at the time.



Ask Deborah E
Deborah
Deborah is #1 Jazz Singer, as well as a lifelong musician, songwriter, and sound engineer. She is also a writer who pursues a love of positive psychology. Download the "Boost Your Energy" ebook (absolutely free!).
Deborah
3 comments… add one
  • You need to have something you are passionate about. All of this will make both you, and your relationship stronger; thus, you’ll be a better girlfriend too. Having a life outside of your relationship is crucial if you want your relationship to survive, otherwise both you, and your guy will be too dependent on each other for your happiness. This dependency can be scary, and even evolve into neediness, fear or slight hatred. Having something going for you ensures that you make each other stronger, not weaker. This tightens the bond between you.

  • What’s more, the person who is generating the relationship will eventually get burned out and will need to stop. If the lopsided relationship has been going on for too long, it may simply fall apart. Help for the “Type 1″ relationship If you are the person taking up most of the emotional space, stop. By taking up most of the space, you prevent your partner from participating in the relationship. Stop taking up the space by shifting your needs outside the relationship (not infidelity). Instead of talking to your partner, talk to your friends or family or to your journal. Instead of asking for many needs to be met, ask for only some to be met, or for none to be met for a period of time. Create a vacuum so that your partner has something to step into. It will feel strange and uncomfortable, but it is necessary discomfort. If your partner does not participate in the relationship, he or she may look for more connection elsewhere. Get help in learning how to stop taking up so much emotional space. Hire a good therapist or a relationship coach to work on this. You may also need help as a couple in learning how to share the emotional space and in teaching your partner how to take up more space. Type 2: Both partners alternate in how much emotional space they occupy, with one person always taking up too much.

  • Your girlfriend or wife most-likely began the conversation by saying the dreaded four words, “We need to talk,” which probably made you feel sick to the pit of your stomach immediately, right? Suddenly, you felt like you were about to lose something really important to you and panic set in. Now, you’re wondering how on Earth you can turn things around before it’s too late.

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