Deborah is a #1 Jazz Singer, as well as a lifelong musician, songwriter, and sound engineer. She is also a writer who pursues a love of positive psychology. She is a thesis short of having her doctorate in psychology.
Hi Deborah, i just got married this year, in January, but before that i was dating another girl. i have a problem. It is now getting bigger and bigger. I still love my ex-girlfriend and we are still dating. I don't know how can i stop this. I am trying not to think about her but I can't. Help me. How can i stop loving her? I want peace of mind.
This is a difficult situation, being married to one person and in love with another person. Some of these decisions depend on your culture and beliefs, so I will leave that to you, as far as how much, or how little, those play into your decision making process.
Let me ask you. Are you in love with your current spouse? If you are so much more in love with the woman that you are dating, and have been all along, that is something that you may want to consider, rather than prolonging the pain for all people involved. However, I am not suggesting that you end the marriage, but rather, take a personal assessment of where you are in your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with your girlfriend, especially in light of the fact that the marriage seems to be less than four months old and this dating relationship has been going on this whole time. I would not want to see anyone hurt more than they are already hurt, including your spouse.
Now, assuming that you got married because you wanted to get married, and you want to stay married, it seems that you have made a decision for your spouse (over your girlfriend) and now we are talking about commitment. It would seem that that may be what you mean by "peace of mind," keeping the commitment that you made in January when you got married.
Similar to going "cold turkey" when stopping the infusion of drugs into the body, in the same way, if you have determined in your heart that you will stay committed to your marriage, you need to go "cold turkey" on the dating relationship.
If it is a physical bonding situation with your girlfriend, my advice would be to talk to your spouse and explain your needs and desires and address that need for physical bonding in your marriage relationship. The same thing applies to emotional fulfillment and all aspects of relationship and relational fulfillment. If there are areas which are lacking in your marriage, and you are determined to make it work, suggest that you and your spouse meet with a counselor to discuss these issues and get help, so that you have the tools to build a stronger relationship.
If you need to change your phone number, block a phone number, block an email, do it, after kindly letting your girlfriend know that she is now an ex-girlfriend and that you have decided to remain committed to your marriage.
This comes down to a decision, on your part, which person would you like to be committed to? Your spouse or your girlfriend? Once you make that decision, you have taken the first step. Add some determination, and counseling and support, as needed, and move forward in your decision, without looking back.hugs,
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