Is It Really Over, Or Is She Just Angry?

It is about my ex-girlfriend. The thing is I have so many questions and how can I move on if I don't find answers? Like, did she love me? Was she married? And, Is it over or is she just very angry with me?

Dear Peet,

Break-ups are painful, whether you initiate them, or your partner initiates them. Based on your question of whether your girlfriend was angry, it sounds like she may have initiated this break-up and you are wondering if it is really over, or does she just needs time to "cool down."

If she broke up with you, then it is not a matter of just being angry with you. Granted, she may, indeed, by angry with you, and that may be the basis for her initiating the break-up, but we need to give her the respect of "making up her own mind." In other words, if you were to say to her, "This isn't really a break-up. You are just angry. Let's give it some time," you are not validating her self-worth in making the decision. It is like patting her on the head and saying, "Sweetie, I understand. You don't really know what you are doing. It is just an emotion." She may feel that you are not taking her, or her issues, seriously, and may feel like you are belittling her. A better approach, if she opens the door to you for a possible reconciliation, is to ask her what the issues are, so that you can discuss steps to resolving the issues.

You also asked the question about whether she was married. That is probably one of the first things you want to cover before entering into a relationship, a relationship where she is referred to as a girlfriend. If you don't cover it, you may end up being hurt, and her spouse may be hurt. Do you really want to invest time and effort into a relationship without finding some of these things out first? Possibly, she told you she wasn't married and now you are wondering if she told the truth. If that is the case, you may have a bigger issue, honesty. Again, very shaky ground on which to build or continue a relationship.

From the sounds of things, many of your questions were questions related to the relationship itself, and not solely the break-up of the relationship. If you truly love this woman, you could attempt to sit down and discuss the issues that caused the break-up, but if she is unwilling to tell you, or tell you the truth, about a possible marriage, she may not be interested in talking about anything, let alone a resolution. You do not want to force her, as that is never the answer when attempting a reconciliation.

You can also take what you have learned and apply it to the next relationship, learning how to build the relationship on solid ground, from the get-go. That way, you will either have a lasting relationship, or at least some potential answers as to why it failed.

Deborah E
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Deborah is a #1 Jazz Singer, as well as a lifelong musician, songwriter, and sound engineer. She is also a writer who pursues a love of positive psychology. She is a thesis short of having her doctorate in psychology.
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