Deborah is a #1 Jazz Singer, as well as a lifelong musician, songwriter, and sound engineer. She is also a writer who pursues a love of positive psychology. She is a thesis short of having her doctorate in psychology.
I recently had an argument with my wife that resulted in violence. I was able to hurt her physically by squeezing her arm to take her in the bathroom so our kids wouldn't hear us, which resulted in a big bruise on her arm. I also verbally abused her. I never meant any of it.
Now we are separated for awhile. I really love her and I do not want us to get divorced because our kids are still small. May I ask some suggeations on how I can win her back and forgive me. Thanks.
Oh, my heart goes out to both of you and to your kids. I really appreciate how you do not want to harm your wife and that you want to make changes to help make your marriage better. I can also appreciate how you did not want to harm your children by fighting in front of them.
One of the first things you will want to do is to apologize to your wife. Of course, you will need to wait until each of you have had time to cool off before you approach that subject.
Realize that your wife does not "have to" give you the opportunity to apologize and she is not obligated to forgive you. However, if she is gracious enough to give you the opportunity to apologize to her, share your heart, in the same way that you have here, in this question. Do not force her to understand, simply share your heart and how you love her and want to improve your marriage.
Discuss with her the options that you may have available to you to go to counseling for "anger management" and ways that you can manage your anger in a non-violent manner. As with all human behaviors, once you have performed an act, it is that much easier to do it again. A person can go years without ever having smoked their first cigarette, but once they try it, it is easier to have that second cigarette and so on. In the same way, once you have had this type of experience, it is easier to do it again. And, add to that that there will be a fear in your wife that you will do it again. It could be ten years later, and she may still have a residual fear that it will happen again.
After you have discussed options for "anger management" counseling, consider some couples counseling to help you learn skills individually, and collectively, on how to communicate in a way that will help each of you to feel that you are being heard, without harming each other physically, verbally, or any other way.
We are imperfect creatures and we all have different perspectives on life and issues in life and we are going to have disagreements. Realize that and set realistic expectations for yourself and your wife and your marriage. However, there are steps that you can take to manage these differences in a healthy manner. Seek help... you have taken a healthy step, expressing yourself, here, now let's take the next step. Ok?hugs,
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