He Is Cheating and Denies It. What Do I Do?

I have been in a marriage for two years without conceiving. We have checked out in many hospitals and they told us we have no problem. The reason why I am writing to you is that my husband is now seeing another woman behind my back. We have had several arguments about this but he keeps denying it. I know the lady and this is not the first time. I thought maybe he would change but he has refused. I am puzzled. I don't know what to do. When I add on being childless and my husband cheating on me, sometimes I feel like losing my mind. Help me, Deborah.

Dear jacquline,

I can feel your pain dealing with these many issues, criss-crossing, and interweaving with each different issue and causing that much more confusion.

Let's separate them into two separate issues, shall we? There is the conception challenge and the potential cheating concern.

First of all, it sounds like you are concerned about the cheating (understandably!). This concern needs to be resolved before worrying about conception. Bringing a child into a situation, even if the situation is undefined, does not resolve the issue, but rather serves to complicate it further (at best) and also exposes another young, vulnerable life to the unresolved, complicated issue. Keep in mind that conceiving a baby is not a solution for something that is wrong in another area of the relationship.

So, let's go to the cheating concern. You say that your husband says that he is not cheating but that you know that he is. There are two possibilities here, if we simply look at it logically (without opinion or applying truth or facts). On one side, it is possible that he is telling the truth and that he is not cheating, in which case, *not* believing him is actually detrimental to the relationship, as it affects the trust in the relationship. However, if he is cheating and lying to you, there is already a trust issue in the relationship, by the lying and the cheating.

You need to decide if a trust breach in the relationship is something that you can live with or not. If it is something that you cannot live with, then you have some thinking to do. If it is something that you can live with, then you also have your answer and you would choose not to continue to wrestle with it. These are what has been called "non-negotiables" and you need to decide if the trust breach is a non-negotiable item in the marriage. See also, Do I Go Or Do I Stay With The Serial Cheater?

I truly hope that that helps to bring clarity to the situation.

Deborah E
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Deborah is a #1 Jazz Singer, as well as a lifelong musician, songwriter, and sound engineer. She is also a writer who pursues a love of positive psychology. She is a thesis short of having her doctorate in psychology.
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