He Hides Me From His Mother


My boyfriend/husband hides me from his mother. What should I do?
Evelyn





Dear Evelyn,

I have a question for you. Does your boyfriend/husband love you unconditionally?

If the answer is no (that he does not love you), then we have another issue at hand and technically another question and response.

But, I think you feel loved or this would not concern you as much. The other options are that you feel as if you would normally feel loved but this aspect of hiding you from his mother has you feeling a bit unloved, in which case we need to separate out the feelings, rather, true feelings, of loved versus unloved before addressing this issue (assuming that those feelings only conflict because of this issue).

So, let's operate from the premise that he loves you, ok? If you feel he doesn't, please do submit another question along those lines and we can address it, but for the sake of other readers who may also have a similar concern, we will continue with the He loves me vantage point.

Now...

The next question to ask your boyfriend/husband is why he is hiding you from his mother.

The response to why he is hiding you could go a couple of different directions. Oh, and some of you are probably wondering why we didn't cover the Are you sure he is hiding you but we women know these things and again, we are operating from the premise that it is occurring, at least to an extent that it is disrupting your peace.

So, the couple of different directions that this could go when you ask the Why? question is anger/denial/avoidance or he will provide you with an answer.

If he responds with the first one, we may need to take a shot at it when he is in a better mood. (Don't tell him I said that!) And, the anger/denial/avoidance either means that there is an issue and he doesn't want to tell you or hurt you or there is an issue and he doesn't want you to know. Granted, there are other possibilities, but these are the normal reasons. If it is a case that he really is hiding something and doesn't want to tell you, we are dealing with an issue in your relationship that goes beyond the presentation to his mother.

But, back to that first response and assuming that he is concerned and doesn't want to talk about it. This is normal, but it is also difficult for you and hence the relationship if it is not discussed at some point. But, now the ball is in your court on how you discuss it. Ensure that he is in a happy mood and prepare him by saying something to the effect of how important he is to you and how important the relationship is to you and how you really need peace in this area in order for peace to continue in the relationship and for you two to grow. (Just be sure that mentioning the continuance of peace in the relationship does not come off as some sort of veiled threat that you will give him HE double toothpick if he does not comply -> that is not how we want to handle this.)

You are approaching this discussion with love, peace, and sincerity. Keep calm. Keep his needs in mind. Prevail upon his desire for you to be happy at peace and assure him that he has, within his ability, the capability of helping you.

When you feel that you have reached that pinnacle of opportunity in communication, ask him, gently, again, why he is hiding you from his mother. Keep in mind that again, he may be defensive. If he continues to deny it, suggest non-threatening opportunities where you can all be together. Suggest going out to dinner or an event together and see if that is something with which he is comfortable.

Continue this process of gently approaching the topic and attempting to develop a positive relationship with his mother.

At some point, it may come out that for some reason your boyfriend/husband feels that it will not work. I have worked with people where the mother-in-law is literally angry and jealous and it doesn't matter who has that position with her son, she will try to destroy the other woman. It is sad and I would like to believe that the sayings about mothers-in-law are not true, but some are. In that case, if your boyfriend/husband loves you and wants to protect you from an evil mother-in-law, be thankful and live your life at peace with him. Accept that it is not your fault and there is simply dysfunction there that you can not fix.

Then, be thankful for your mate and continue to be thankful for his great love for you.


Ask Deborah E a question | Listing of Ask Deborah E Questions (Answers)

Comments on this entry are closed.