I Am Lonely Without Him

Lizzy writes, I recently dumped my boyfriend. We were together for more than a year but we're just 16 so it was probably not "love." Anyhow, I dumped him because I thought that I was over him but now I feel very lonely and I feel very guilty, too! What do I do?

Dear Lizzy,

Break-ups are always painful, even if you break-up for all of the right reasons and know, 100%, that you did the right thing by breaking up. The challenge when you are the "dumpee" (person being dumped) is a feeling of what-can-I-do-to-get-em-back. The challenge when you are the dumper (person doing the dumping) is was-that-really-the-right-thing-to-do.

I would not criticize you or claim that it was not "love" solely based on your age. It is true that you have not lived on this earth as many years as some of us, and your wisdom, let alone common sense, is still growing, but that is true of all of us. We are continually on an improvement path, a path of deeper understanding and wisdom (IF we allow ourselves to be).

You want to be careful to make decisions based on reasoning, as much as possible, rather than a feeling. This goes for the dumping (thinking you are over him) and a thought of getting back together (feeling lonely). Try taking out a piece of paper and listing all of the reasons that you got together with him in the first place and stayed with him as long as you did. Now, take out another piece of paper and list all of the reasons that you do not want to be with him and why you broke up with him. Compare these two lists. Determine what really counts for you. Put a little more weight on the character and personality aspects (integrity, kindness, etc.) and a little less on the feelings ("I get the tickle"). Look at the feeling list to see which are character and personality aspects. For example, "I feel giddy" may be another way of saying he has a sense of humor (personality).

This exercise will help you figure our your feelings now, and in any future relationships. Remember, it is perfectly normal to feel lonely. The loneliness, itself, is not a sign that you did anything wrong. Only you can look at the list and determine for yourself what is right for you.

Ask Deborah E
Deborah is #1 Jazz Singer, as well as a lifelong musician, songwriter, and sound engineer. She is also a writer who pursues a love of positive psychology. Download the "Boost Your Energy" ebook (absolutely free!).
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