June 17, 2013
June 10, 2013
Deborah E answers the question, “My father has a gambling addiction and is always gambling away our money. I try to tell him that he needs to stop, but he becomes mad and refuses to admit he has a problem. How do I help him, without making him more upset?”
That is really a difficult situation, and so astute of you to recognize that it is an addiction. It is a sickness, but that doesn’t make it “ok” for the family, but rather, helps us to understand the basis.
It appears your father needs help and counseling, but I’m sure that you realize that. It is understandable that when you “tell” your father to stop, that he is going to become defensive and as a part of that defensive mechanism, he is going to react, in this case, with anger. None of us want to hear that we are wrong and even if your father also believes he is wrong, he isn’t going to want to hear it from his child. And, it is not unusual for people to deny that they have a problem. Unless he is 100% thinking that gambling is 100% wrong, he is going to say that he doesn’t have a problem with gambling. In the same way, unless an alcoholic believes that alcohol, even a drop, is wrong, he or she is going to believe that their drinking is fine and that they do not have a problem.
June 3, 2013
Deborah E answers the question, “Someone you know has died. How do you not cry when you think of them? How can life just go on without her? How can you stop thinking about her and let life go on? What if you miss this person 24 hours and you can never forget them? You will always want to cry when you hear the voice.”
Oh, honey, life, and the death of loved ones, sometimes hurts and hurts. Being able to share that hurt helps us to realize how human we truly are and how much we need one another, for as long as we each have here together.
There are two things in your question that I want to highlight for you. First, it is OK to cry! Cry, cry, and then cry some more. It is the expression of our heart and soul and crying wasn’t meant to be bottled up and denied. When it is denied, it can sometimes become self-destructive and even outwardly destructive to other people. But, most importantly, let the tears flow. The tear are normal and what make you a human being who feels, hurts, and loves.
May 27, 2013
Deborah E answers the question, “What if you have a really awesome talent and you’re afraid to show that talent but you want to show your talent every day?”
I am so happy for you and for the talent that have the privilege of possessing and sharing!
You know what I have discovered about you? You are human!
Being afraid is a normal feeling, especially when your talent is meaningful to you and you desire to do your best. The fear can be helpful in motivating us to strive to do our best and to prepare as much as possible for the demonstration of that talent.
May 20, 2013
Deborah E answers the question, “What if you like a boy and you think he likes you? What should the person do?”
I would say you are really in good shape if you like a boy and you think he likes you! Excellent!
If you really want to be sure, you can ask him, but you know, sometimes this tender stage of the relationship is best enjoyed by just breathing it in slowly and enjoying every moment. There is no pressure for this relationship to reach perfection in the next twenty four hours, so enjoy. Enjoy the relationship, but more than that, the friendship, and don’t put any pressure on him, and especially, don’t put pressure on yourself. Enjoy the time together, finding fun games, activities, conversations, and opportunities to get to know one another better… without pressure.
May 13, 2013
Deborah E answers the question, “Hi Deborah, i just got married this year, in January, but before that i was dating another girl. i have a problem. It is now getting bigger and bigger. I still love my ex-girlfriend and we are still dating. I don’t know how can i stop this. I am trying not to think about her but I can’t. Help me. How can i stop loving her? I want peace of mind.”
This is a difficult situation, being married to one person and in love with another person. Some of these decisions depend on your culture and beliefs, so I will leave that to you, as far as how much, or how little, those play into your decision making process.
Let me ask you. Are you in love with your current spouse? If you are so much more in love with the woman that you are dating, and have been all along, that is something that you may want to consider, rather than prolonging the pain for all people involved. However, I am not suggesting that you end the marriage, but rather, take a personal assessment of where you are in your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with your girlfriend, especially in light of the fact that the marriage seems to be less than four months old and this dating relationship has been going on this whole time. I would not want to see anyone hurt more than they are already hurt, including your spouse.
Deborah E answers the question, “I have been in love for almost a year. When my girlfriend told her mother about our relationship, her mother got angry and asked my girlfriend to stop the relationship at once. My girlfriend is her only daughter. My girlfriend loves her parents dearly, too. After that incident, the way my girlfriend messages me and the way she talks to me is like she is avoiding me. It really hurts. This has been going on for three, almost four months, and yesterday she messaged me that she would like to end this relationship. I tried to comfort her, but nothing worked. What should I do? I really do need her and I can’t live without her. Please help me.”
I can certainly understand how painful this is, how your heart yearns for your girlfriend and to comfort her and how it seems that it his her mother that is standing in your way, and not only that, but that your girlfriend may need a sort of rescuing and you feel that you want to do that.
This first question that should be asked, getting it out of the way, is age of your girlfriend. While this will differ from country to country and culture to culture, there may be some things to take into consideration. For example, if your girlfriend is not an adult, then her mother may be that much more concerned, and feel that she has that much more “say” in what her daughter does, depending on government laws and the culture.